very warm cream-soda

Today got weird. Woke up hours before the alarm, and lay there listening to the voices in my head. They’re there from the moment I wake up, till the moment I go to sleep. If I get up in the middle of the night to take a piss, they’ll have something to say about it. That’s the best indication I have that they’re just in my head–nobody gives that much of a fuck about me. But man, they do no feel like “me.” And they’re often laughably wrong in their assumptions. But so are dream characters.

Got to work and I felt something tear. A “friendly” presence tried to help, and I got furious. If you’ve hung around here for long, you’ve heard this story before. I managed to control my emotional response and check my perspective far better than I did on such days in the past. And now I’m here, writing and working after the paid work is done. Hurt, though. I could feel my heart rate spiking as I walked home. Felt it lurch sideways a few times too. There are some pretty serious physiological symptoms to this shit.

Today, for the first time in a while, it felt like I was failing and wasting an opportunity. Like some kind of potential had been missed, or a rare opportunity had been bungled. It’s a familiar feeling, though it’s been a while since I felt it so keenly.

Had a dream a few nights ago that I was driving down a dark road, but I was in the back seat somehow, and could barely see out of the windshield. I was moving too fast, and had too little control. It felt dangerous and reckless, and not in a good way. I couldn’t tell where the road was half the time. I have a lot of dreams along these lines; it’s probably the most common recurring theme in my dreams. I’m not thrilled about that.

Zero dollar day. Long-ass faculty meeting in which the faculty failed to pass a sustainability initiative on campus. These fucks are like the Democratic Party–pay lip-service to climate change while doing nothing of substance to alter our course.

In an old journal, I found the line “Shame feels like drinking very warm cream-soda.” Apropos of nothing, but I thought I’d share.