super high, mentally ill, and obsessively self-involved

Been spending so much money on Winter gear. I’m pretty well prepared now, though. Might get some more insulated underwear.

Got an expensive Canada Goose parka. I wanted that, and it’s got a lifetime warranty. I figured it was better to go big on Winter hiking gear than to buy a used car. I’ll get to take all this stuff with me.

Gotta quite spending money. Time to settle into monastic simplicity. With the occasional pizza.

I got some resistance exercise bands, and more than one has snapped on me under tension. I’m yet to get hurt, but may invest in some weights instead. Got these things as part of my van gear, but this is unacceptable.

Had trouble making myself work after I got home from my paid job today. I’m fucking tired. But there’s work to be done, so I gotta get used to it. Someone recently said online, “You’re not an insect, you’re a mammalian predator, and a rather large one. It’s normal for you to want to lay around a lot,” and I’ve been thinking about that a lot since. That’d be fine if I didn’t burn 8-9 hours a day just getting by.

While transcribing old journals, I found some letters written to me by old friends that I’ve lost touch with. Made me feel sad and regretful. I lost a lot of good people by being super high, mentally ill, and obsessively self-involved. C’est la vie.

Nothing to do but to do better going forward. It’s struck me recently that wisdom is nothing more than living through enough of your own mistakes. The biggest fools, if they survive, become wise in this way, and it surprises the shit out of them when they realize. Or so I’ve been told.