“no…wait…i see it now.”

Been applying for jobs in the evenings lately instead of working on the van. This is the window for applying for academic jobs next year, so I gotta put some hours in on these applications. Applying for at least one tenure track gig (at the college where I’m currently working), and at least one postdoc in mathematical ecology. It’s in fucking Mississippi (where I grew up), but I’d still take it. It’s an awesome fit for my skills and interests. Applying for any jobs in Canada that I seem to have a chance at.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s time to leave academia, but when I start to think that one of these jobs is possible, I get real excited. I still want to be a mathematical researcher in the biological sciences. So I’m gonna push on that. I’m gonna get two papers out of my dissertation and keep working on math research till I land a gig. I’d make more in data science, but I’d be happier as a prof or RA. It’s hard right now to figure out why I haven’t been working on that exclusively the last 3 years. Mental illness is a fucking demon. And a thief.

Anyway, that’s the near future. Gotta get academic applications in now, and also finish the van. I’ll still likely do some data science online training in the Spring, too. Unless I’ve already accepted an offer, I suppose. I’m worried about not being employed next year, so I’m planning on working multiple angles.

I have made good progress on the folding mechanism for the cell-signal extender, and have begun on two folding chairs for the back of the van. They’ll also each have a 30W solar panel on the back, bringing my total solar wattage up to 460. Not bad on a 144 sprinter with a maxxfan and two seats up top. Waiting on one of those panels, and on one of those cable entry boxes with a sphincter seal for the cell-signal extender cable.

I’ve begun the interior wiring in a more serious way, and it’s starting to feel like I could actually have the interior walls installed in the foreseeable future. It’ll be fun to start adding functionality to the interior. Many times I’ve wished the toilet was already installed in the back. And it’d be awesome to be storing and using power with my panels.

“Toilet” sounds like a small toil, a toil-ette, and I suppose that kinda works. Too tired to look up the etymology.

Oh yeah, I dropped 1k on new snow tires for the van. They look cool as fuck. Makes me want to buy cool new black alloy wheels, but I’m not spending money on cosmetics right now.

The Covid lonely has been hitting pretty hard. Got mad at a lady voice in my head (that was trying to hit on me) a few nights ago. But really they didn’t do anything so objectionable. Felt more like an old habit that’s lived longer than it should have. I once had a shrink ask me, “Do you consider yourself hyper-vigilant?” and I immediately, angrily snapped, “What are you implying?” then followed with, “No…wait…I see it now.” The day after my recent psychotic anger was a sad, reflective day. Lot of those under the old belt. Aesop Rock says, “Brother, I owe twice my weight in patience,” and Nick Cave says, “He who seeks finds, and who knocks shall be let in.” I guess we’ll see. My tendency to twitch at human contact, like a hand pulled back from a fire, seems to be fading. This exposure therapy stuff is strong medicine. Just sitting with pain. Just watching your fear. Like The Litany says.

Finished Cave’s novel, “And the Ass saw the Angel.” Holy hell. I’ll be reading that one again. Gonna read Jung’s “Red Book” next, though. I also bought a book of H. L. Mencken’s work after encountering the following quote:

“As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and a complete narcissistic moron.”

Pretty spot on there, Hank.

Been learning to care for my rifle. Fully disassembled it for the first time last night. Paid entirely too much for a box of 500 high velocity rounds that I hope UPS can actually get to this room I’m renting in this weird old restored motel. Also bought some dummy rounds so I can fuck around with the bolt and ejector and such without shooting myself in the foot. Called a local woodsy kinda hunting and fishing club, and I’m gonna fill out an application on Sunday. Seems like my kinda place. I like my rifle. Ultimately I may want a handgun. And I don’t mind that the process in NY is drawn out. I was a little afraid of owning one without any training.

Gonna crash. Planning on doing some hours of van work tomorrow, and maybe a walk. Gotta get at least one more application in tomorrow too. This sobriety stuff is good for getting shit done. I guess you can say that for it.