not that. not that either.

Had a fairly bad cold, and didn’t want to miss work because another one of our faculty members was missing some days as her father passed away, so people were already double booked. So I compromised by doing nothing but resting after work.

Got back to normal schedule today. Did domestic stuff (laundry, groceries), then built a (shitty) loft for my bed, so I could clean out my storage unit and move all the van materials and such under my bed.

I gotta rebuild the loft. It’s wobbly.

Early this morning the voices were mocking me for having been suicidal in the past. It was meant to shame me, and to establish their right of control/influence over me. I did not like that at all. Spent most of the day angry, practicing my “break-faith kata.” Even now, as friendly female voices are calling, “Dad,” I’m knee-jerk pissed by it. Affirmation and denial.

I got a lot of stuff done, and never got close to drinking or acting out. I’m still doing way better than I used to. But it was a bad day by my current standards.

At one point, as I was thinking about how there is no way I would ever allow myself to be with women who are like the voices in my head, I got hit with some beautiful, Autumn/Winter-type feelings from one of the voices. It was a lovely feeling, and was a painful contrast to where I was at. But the context made me distrust it. It was meant, again, to establish a right of access. And I’ll remain miserable and alone before I allow such. “They get way nicer when you talk about leaving.”

I do want to feel better. I have an unfortunate tendency to maintain misery as a form of defiance. Not that. But not that, either.