Whew. Alright. Back again.
As I said, I got a bag of weed to see Freddie off–14 grams–and I ended up smoking every day until it was gone. If I wasn’t at work (or about to go to work), I was stoned.
That’s been a running theme in my life. If I get some drugs, I do them until they are gone, then go looking for more.
Not that a daily weed habit is the worst thing in the world, but it doesn’t work well for me. I try to live a fairly productive life, holding down a full-time job and working on my own projects (like crowswood) outside of work hours. Meditation and exercise. Mathematical research and writing. Well, I stop doing those things when I’m high every day. I play video-games, stay up late, and watch cartoons. Listen to The Rolling Stones. Which is pretty great, admittedly, and would be fine if I could keep it to the weekends.
More troubling is the way it interacts with my psychosis, and destabilizes my mood. The voices get more demanding when I’m high, but also the next day. And I get way more misanthropic than is usual (which, for me, is saying something) when I’ve been getting high. My mood is much more positive when I stay sober and exercise.
So I’m taking a break from weed. For a year. In a year I’ll take another stab at moderation. And any other recreational drug is completely off the table until I can demonstrate at least a modicum of impulse control with cannabis, the least dangerous of them in terms of addictive potential.
It’s a bit of a drag, but it’s fine. And I’m going to keep trying with weed. Hopefully I can figure that one out eventually.
Dale Pendell once said, “Smoking it occasionally makes you wise. Smoking it every day turns you into a donkey.”
If I’m not getting high all weekend, I’m going to have to start dating.
In other news, I’ve been approved for a 35K Lightstream auto loan, so I’m going to start shopping for vans again. The last piece of shit I went and looked at had ~150K miles on it; this time around I’m going to look at vehicles more in the 50K-75K mileage range.
I’m hoping to buy in the next 4 weeks or so, which will give me about 10 weeks for the initial build. With the credit I’ve got open and the extra cash I should (hopefully) be able to make teaching over the summer, I’m in better shape financially than I thought I would be for this build. I should be able to buy all the major appliances I plan on installing (solar, fridge, toilet, etc).
I’m putting both my math research and my writing (except crowswood) on hold until the van is built.