Coming down off of weed fucking hurts me. I ended up going to a doctor and going back on wellbutrin and buspar, and got ativan to take as-needed. I wasn’t hacking it on my own. I guess psychiatric meds are cheaper than housing.
Been fucking up bad at work, but I opened up (some) about what I was going through and it seems I’m getting a pass. I didn’t talk about the drugs, just the depression and anxiety.
Contacted a therapists office and am waiting for a call-back. I think there are things I will need to say that will make me cry. So I need to do that. Try to lance the wound.
I’m on top on a butte near bend. There’s been a heatwave lately, and it’s a lot. Hot and dry and dusty. I’ve been sunning my balls to keep them dry and healthy. Feels good. Way better than sweaty and slimy. Butterflies like to come into the van to hide from the sun.
I realized recently that if I was to take out a 15000 dollar loan at even 15%, the monthly interest would be less than I’m currently paying for a storage locker. Meaning I could take out the loan, buy some land, move all the shit from my storage locker into a shed on my new land, and come out ahead. I’d be paying more per month, but less of it would be straight out the window. Meaning the amount I’d save on the storage locker would more than cover the interest. That is crazy. And it would get better as the loan got paid down. I was trying to rate-shop, and accidentally actually applied for such a loan from Lightstream, and they were gonna go for it, at 12.5% – 13.5%. Paid back over 2 years was like 720$ per month (or some such). If I pay off my first Lightstream loan first (currently 288/month) and quit with the storage locker (230/month), that’d be like 200 more per month than my current situation. And I’d have a piece of land.
I’m hesitant to take on more debt, but that sure is a hell of an idea. And a big move, by the scale I’m used to.
