Haven’t posted in a bit, but I’ve been working. Took a two day weekend last weekend because my body was very clear about its need to rest and eat protein. Napping felt luxuriant.
Today was good till the end. Right as I was wrapping up work on the van, my mp3 player’s battery died. I had a flash of anxiety about being left in silence with the voices, and it was countered immediately with the feeling of love and peace on a Summer evening. I pulled back from that feeling like a hand from a hot fire. Since then it’s been bad noise and bitterness in my head. I’ve done a fair job of not letting it go too far off the rails, though there has been some violent impulses, directed at myself (suicidal ideation) and at the voices. Despite how that sounds, it’s been relatively mild in magnitude (for me).
Spent some money today on a bit of aluminum angle to edge my floor, and on groceries. I managed to use salvaged angle for a lot of it, but not for the front edge of the floor, where the house meets the cab. One piece was fucking 14 dollars.
Had the oil changed in the van for like 330 dollars. 150 for the oil itself, and 125 for labor. I gotta learn to do that eventually. Likely not till I have space to do it. So, years from now.
I also learned that the van needs 1000 worth of additional work. The squeaking I’ve been hearing is thought to be the brake calipers, and because it doesn’t pull to one side when braking, they think it’s both front calipers. I’ll call tomorrow to schedule that work. I’m not happy about that cost. It’s looking like the van it going to run me almost 3000 in maintenance this first year I’ve had it. Hopefully it won’t always be that bad, but that’s my first approximation. I was warned of this. Still, it’s worse than I anticipated.
I also leaned today that the solar charge controller I bought is a “positive ground” solar charge controller. I don’t even know what the fuck that means, really, but I don’t think it’s what I meant to buy. I’ve asked Renogy if I can exchange it.
I’ve asked my new teaching gig if I need to physically be there in MN for the Fall term. All my classes are going to be online, and since the van’s not ready yet, I don’t have a place to live in MN. I’m likely to have to be in TN at my Mom’s place while I finish the van. That may come at a serious mental health cost.
I was arguing with her about what constitutes low-risk behavior regarding Covid, and it was the first time I’ve screamed at her in years. It’s infuriating to be talked down to by someone so ignorant of basic biology.
I have decided to keep my apartment here in NY till the end of my lease. So I’ll be here till the end of August or so. This effectively reclaims the near month I lost when I bought an ounce of pot. Seen differently, that ounce of pot just cost me an extra 1000.
Classes start on September 2, so I’ll want to be settled in at my Mom’s place before that hits.
Money is stressful. Family is stressful. Covid-19 is stressful. Problems with the build are stressful. And uncertainty about the future is stressful.
On a positive note, my floor came out quite good.