thinking of simplifying my design

A lot of anxiety and despair today. There is so much to do, and so little time. A lot of this energy is drug withdrawals, but not all of it can be written off as such. Quitting a drug or leaving a lover feel kinda similar; you know you’re going back to a more difficult life without the aid you’ve been relying on, and it can be difficult to face that. “Pretty tough to think about // the beginning of December.”

Spent some money on some plastic panel removal tools (like a set of small plastic pry-bars for taking the plastic panels off the doors and such), and some compression straps for one of my sleeping bags. Spent under 20 bucks, and it’s all van gear.

I’m worried about getting things done in time, and I’m worried about getting everything into the van.

As for the time, the worst case scenario is that I end up parked up at my mom’s house in TN for a few extra months while I teach online and finish up the van. That’s worse than it sounds, because my relationship with my mother is strained at best, but it is an option.

As for getting everything in…fuck knows. If I just dropped the shower and the exercise equipment, I think I’d have everything situated. But I’d really rather not do that. Exercise is vital to my mental health, and a shower is necessary if I’m doing cardio in the van. While I could just pay for a membership to Planet Fitness, I worry about putting an obstacle between myself and exercise. If it’s been a long day and it’s time for me to work out, it’s much easier to put on cartoons at home and get on the bike than it is to go to a gym and work out (and shower, and probably shit) in a public space.

Though it does occur to me know that it might not be so bad for this first year. I’ll be teaching online for the Fall, so I won’t have been out teaching in public all day. My gym time could be my only outside time. This is actually kind of close to my eventual ideal, where I’m working all day on my own land (math, writing, and building), and going to martial arts classes in the evenings so that I can see people and train. And in the Spring, when I’m back in the classroom, I can use the school gym.

When I rebuild in a year, I can be more ambitious about what’s included. A simpler first version makes sense, and I get a sense of relief when I think of doing it that way. This is already the most difficult build project I’ve ever attempted, by far.

That doesn’t seem like a terrible idea. And it would greatly simplify my van build. I will still have the resistance bands and still be able to do pushups and crunches. And with my giant shop sink and some baby-wipes, I can wash myself pretty well. Hell, I could even pick up the little cardio bike I’ve been looking at, and just take a spit-bath (as my dad used to say) after using it. Then shower for real when I’m able to (at a friends house, for instance.)

I’m thinking of simplifying my design in several ways. I’d like to have an insulated wall between the house and the cab, but a curtain could do for now. I’d like to have multiple layers of shelves that extend from the garage, but just one big shelf on the left (tools) and one big shelf on the right (bike/campsite) could do for now.

This would all be way, way easier if I just stayed at my mom’s place for the whole Fall semester. I know there’s no way that’s going to seem tolerable to me. I could take a lot of extended camping trips during that semester, though. Go seven on / seven off, like I’m working in an oil field. That doesn’t sound terrible .

I’m fucking lonely. Showed the apartment to a pretty woman, and because it was the first attractive woman I’d interacted with in maybe a month, my brain told me it was super important that I fuck her and love her forever. I did ask her out, to no avail. So it goes.

I did an hour of math today. Just reading my adviser’s book on probability. It feels so good to give math at least a little time every day. An hour of exercise, an hour of math, and half an hour of meditation. That’s a lot of self-care to work into a full work day, but without it I get fucking weird. Someone once said that the development of the human fore-brain was like strapping a rocket engine to a horse cart, the horse cart being the standard-issue mammal brain. You gotta do horse-cart maintenance or it all starts to come apart. And it seems my cart takes more maintenance than others’ do. To be fair, my rocket engine is a quite a bit more powerful than the normal model, so I guess it makes sense.