what the hell

Zero dollar day.

Last night, I had a lovely female voice/presence occupying my head while I tried to sleep. I got annoyed by it, and pushed away. I was frustrated that such things could go on for years without anyone actually speaking to me. There was an implication that I only rejected it because of a lack of feelings of self-worth. That interpretation didn’t feel like a perfect fit to me. The female voice did actually leave, which doesn’t always happen, and then it was hours and hours of cheap gibberish. Didn’t get much sleep, and had a very hard day today.

I did miss the female presence when it left. Contradictory impulses.

Today I could see a fork in my life–I could see another trajectory on which I was happy and self-actualized. But I couldn’t get there. I was blocked by bitterness and old sorrow and outdated patterns. It was agony. It was hard not to weep with frustration. I felt like I was losing something important. I was keenly aware of the fact that this is my one life, and that you can fuck it up. And that I was doing so.

I managed to go through the motions of my schedule, including exercise and my own math work and karate. I managed to see the fact that it only hurts this bad now because I’m actually closer. It was actually a pretty good day relative to my life of 2 or 3 years ago, but because I can now see what’s possible for me, it hurts to not be there yet. Gonna keep fighting. What the hell.