flashflood

Got the angry crazies today. Woke up OK, then kinda pulled back from a female presence in my head. The rest of the day has been female voices pressing their shitty little feelings of comfort and love at me, and me threatening to kick their bitch teeth in.

If I don’t let you attack me or shame me, I’m not going to let you help me or comfort me. Affirmation and denial. Fuck the sorry lot.

I’m only 3 or 4 days clear of my last weed binge. Maybe it’ll get better. And maybe there will always be days like this.

The reader may ask themselves, “Why not simply accept this comfort and love?” When it comes directly in contradiction of my explicitly stated needs and desires? Fuck no. I’d rather be alone than be comforted by such. I’d rather be miserable than be together with such. I’ve told real women before (“real” meaning not the ones that only exist in my head), “I have way more reason not to be with you now than I did when I first broke it off.” That applies here. I have a right to say no to your shitty, cookie-cutter version of love. I don’t ask for space without needing it, and if I don’t get it, that’s a deal-breaker. Forever and a day.

I have had to “establish boundaries” in a fairly serious way with multiple women who were different levels of abusive. That knowledge may shed some light on the causes of my reaction here.

They press in with harmony and love in direct response to me saying I need space and want to be left alone. It’s not about helping me, it’s about maintaining their own world-view where “love conquers all.” If I reject their “love” and “help,” I’m robbing them of their only power, and that’s what the response is to. It seems to be more about their own social needs than it is about helping me, especially as they have ample evidence that the shit they’re doing doesn’t help me.

Despite all this, I worked through the day. And it was productive. This is a victory.

I had multiple logistical setbacks (in addition to the torrent of psychosis and pain). I got up on the roof of the van, and the paint was all nice and dry. So I started reinstalling the solar-panel mounting brackets with 14 gauge screws. There were (as I’d feared) multiple places where I had filed away too much metal, and the hole was too wide for the screw to bite into. I was thinking that if each bracket had 3 out of 4 screws well anchored, I’d call that good, but for one of the brackets 0 out of 4 of the screws bit into metal. So something else had to happen.

The obvious way was to use bolts and nuts instead of screws, but there’s just me here doing this, so I wasn’t sure how I could hold one still while ratcheting the other. Another option I thought of was to epoxy a rectangle of steel to the underside of the roof of the van (from inside the van), then drop screws into that. That would require pressing the rectangle upward somehow while the epoxy dried (and would mean not finishing today). I decided I could figure a way to secure either the nut or the bolt, and turn the other. I ended up holding the bolts still by bracing a wrench against the brackets up to and securing it with painters tape. This meant going back up top and moving and re-securing the wrench for each bolt. So lots of up and down the ladder today, but it worked.

I installed all the brackets that I could using just the 14 gauge screws, and added the Dicor to those. (This was a mistake, as we’ll discuss later.) 4 brackets turned out to need to be bolted instead of screwed down. I biked to the local hardware store and found some bolts that worked, but they didn’t have enough of them. So I got to bike further out of town, to Lowe’s. I got 20 bucks worth of hardware, and biked home. I’m using 1″ M6 bolts with washers top and bottom and locking nuts.

I was all fucked up with anger and psychosis, and might not have been being as mindful as I should, and when I was back up on the van roof installing the remaining brackets, I (barefoot) kicked one of the already secured brackets, and cut one of my toes open pretty badly. I decided I did not need stitches, and bandaged it myself. Took it a while to start hurting. Hurts pretty good, now.

So I got the remaining 4 brackets bolted to the roof. If I had to do this again, I’d likely just bolt all of them in. Then I realized that not all of the brackets that had been attached with only screws had Dicor over the screw heads yet; most of the brackets (except the farthest front and the farthest rear) are installed in pairs, where two panels meet, so if one of the pair needed bolts, its partner hadn’t been sealed yet. So I went around to each of the unsealed brackets that had been installed using only screws, and checked for screws that would keep spinning. These I replaced with bolts. I wish I had left all unsealed, so that any screw that didn’t have purchase in the steel could have been removed and replaced by a bolt, but I opted not to unseal them to check. I did grab each screw underneath (from inside the van), and try to turn them. Everything seems secure.

Then, finally, I sealed everything with Dicor. We had a 25% chance of rain today, but it looks like I’m in the clear. Tomorrow I can touch-up paint anything that needs it and reinstall the panels. Then back to work on the floor.

Good lord I hope tomorrow doesn’t hurt like today. Even now, the voices are sidling up to me sideways and trying to harmonize. Still not having it. Hating everyone is painful, but I’ll take it over joining a collective I’m not allowed to opt out of. No mixed signals. There’s an infuriating, smug certainty in the attitude that I’ll eventually calm down and let them do their thing. Eventually I’ll leave this town, and they’ll learn that I mean what I say. It’s the same fucking story over again.

(I realize I’m going back and forth in this post between treating the voices as things that are just in my head, and treating them as the people around me. I believe, on paper, that they are just in my head. I don’t believe this many people are paying this much attention to me. But part of me knows that they are the people around me in telepathic/empathic contact with me. I so go back and forth in the way I talk about them.)

Spent no dollars except for the hardware at Lowe’s. Meditated and exercised. Going to do some math now.